By Iuri Melo
My friend, I just love that you are asking this question, because honestly, at one point or another, we will all be in a situation that requires an answer to this question, whether it’s with friends, in a relationship, at school, at home, or at work. It’s a critical skill for you to learn to be assertive, confident, and able to express your ideas and the things that are important to you in a confident and logical way.
So here’s what I’m thinking right now: First, I want to give you a tool that will assess your style. Are you assertive, passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive? Second, I want to talk about your mindset. Basically, it will be way easier for you to be assertive and confident if you possess the type of psychology, or beliefs, about yourself that help your confidence shine, instead of you always hiding around, afraid to say anything about anything or to anyone… And finally, I’ll give you some straight up tips and ideas about how to become more assertive starting today. And why not? Let’s face the world in a more honest, clear, and healthy way, and contribute to our own wellbeing, and the wellness of others as well.
OK, so first, what is your style? Let’s start with assertiveness, this is a core communication skill. I’ve found that some people are naturally assertive, meaning that they express their opinions, their likes, their dislikes, they say yes, they say no, and they do so while— and this is very important— while respecting and seeking to understand others. Assertiveness is not railroading people or running over them. Assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it’s an effective and diplomatic communication style. Being assertive shows that you respect yourself because you’re willing to stand up for your interests and express your thoughts and feelings. It also demonstrates that you’re aware of others’ rights and willing to work on resolving conflicts.
Of course, it’s not just what you say, sometimes how you say things trumps what’s being said. Assertive communication is direct and respectful. And honestly, being assertive gives you the best chance of successfully delivering your message. If you communicate in a way that’s too passive or too aggressive, your message may get lost because people are just too busy reacting to your delivery.
Next is a passive style. Passive individuals usually don’t express their opinions or thoughts or ideas. Most of the time, passive individuals (which is my personal tendency) are peacemakers, they’re easygoing and willing to go along with things, though sometimes passive individuals do so to avoid conflict, which may give other people license to mistreat you. The biggest struggle that I have found being a passive individual, is that in the end I end up getting bugged or maybe even a little bitter, because I’m saying yes to things that I don’t really want to do.
Another style is the aggressive style. If your style is aggressive, you may come across as a bully who disregards the needs, feelings and opinions of others. Sometimes aggressive people may appear to be self-righteous or superior. Very aggressive people can humiliate and intimidate others and may even be physically threatening. You may think that being aggressive gets you what you want, and in a way it does. However, it comes at a huge cost. When people are aggressive with you, you may do what they want you to do while they are in front of you, but once you are gone, they won’t want to do it. Plus, it’s difficult to feel safe, open, and have a good time when you feel threatened all the time, and let me tell you, no healthy relationship can survive that type of mistreatment.
And then there is the passive-aggressive style. If you communicate in a passive-aggressive manner, you may say yes when you want to say no. You are passive or agreeable to someone’s face, but then your attitude may be rotten or you will avoid doing those things. You may be sarcastic or complain about others behind their backs. Rather than confront an issue directly, you may show your anger and feelings through your actions or negative attitude. You may have developed a passive-aggressive style because you’re uncomfortable being direct about your needs and feelings.
Now let’s talk about mindset and your individual psychology a little. That’s your base, your beliefs about yourself, what you can contribute in this world, what you will allow in your life and in your relationships. In fact I’m reminded of a quote from the movie “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” where someone says in frustration “Why do I and everyone I love pick people who treat us like we’re nothing?“, and then later in the show, someone says “We accept the love we think we deserve,” and here is where I need you to trust me, my friend, if you don’t quite yet believe it yourself… You must pursue something extraordinary and be with people that are inspiring to you, that build you, someone that you would want your own kids to be like—and perhaps even more importantly—my friend, you must become this person yourself. I don’t care where you’ve come from or where you’re going, get to work on yourself and build someone that is stellar… That is who you are meant to be. We all need a little development, a little patience, and a little training, and this is the process of your life… it never ends… you never arrive, we just keep learning and growing. So coming back to this mindset that I want you to adopt right now, this instant! What is it that you need to know about yourself?
1- You are the most incredible thing in this universe! Your potential and capacity are infinite. Your brain, body, and soul are meant to grow and learn anything you wish. You are a walking miracle every day of your life.
2- You are not broken or damaged, regardless of what you’ve done or what’s been done to you. No matter your errors or behaviors or things that you are ashamed of, I want you to believe that nothing will break you. In fact, with a little patience, perspective, and courage you can instead build upon every event; every circumstance, every tragedy, every success will build you and fill you with valuable experience and knowledge. Believe me now, because this is absolutely true. It may take time and a little help, and my friend we all need a little help, but this is the truth. We can repair, apologize, make reparations, forgive others, and become valuable to ourselves and others around us. Remember this… you are not static or fixed… you are fluid, dynamic and flexible.
3- Your ideas and the things you value are important. Find and surround yourself with people who will consider you, listen to you, and respect you, and sometimes challenge you, because listen, yes, what you think and believe matters but many of your ideas are still incomplete, they still need developing, they still need to be tested in life. So don’t be proud and hard-hearted, instead be a scientist: curious… open… and willing to consider the things that others have to say. If they’re good, great, take them… if not say “thanks my friend, but no thanks.”
4- You are worthy of kindness, goodness, love, respect, gentleness, and the very best that this life has to offer. Like I stated before, regardless of what you have done, you are worthy of this and I want you to actively migrate to the people, places, and things that will happily offer the beauty of this world and the beauty that is in all of us. I want you to understand, it’s not about you deserving this, it’s about you promoting this in your life. Never stop. You have to go and get it… you have to seek it… you have to travel and move toward it… It’s you my friend, you have to do it. Anyways, I hope this resonates with your mind and your heart.
5- Realize that it’s ok to be in a conflict, that it’s ok to walk into a conflict. That you can be reasonable, logical, and open during conflict. I’m not suggesting that you go around picking fights with other people, I only want you to realize that sometimes conflict can be positive, it can open doors, it can inspire us toward change. As a rule I’m a peacemaker, I don’t love conflict and to be perfectly honest, I deliberately avoid it, but I’ve had to grow up. I’ve had to upgrade my thinking and my mindset to be willing to walk into conflict when it is meaningful and important. You know what I’m saying? The key here is to become good at this, so that the outcomes can be positive and win-win type experiences, instead of people leaving conflict scared and deeply hurt.
Ok… so, let’s chat tips really quick!
Here are some tips that will help you to become more assertive right now!
- Discover what your personal communication is… and BAM, you’ve already done that. Knowledge is power, and once we realize things about ourselves, it becomes a lot easier to modify and upgrade them.
- Make a personal commitment to yourself… I know this sounds so ‘no duh, Iuri’ but listen, it makes a difference. Decide right here and right now to be more clear, more honest, more upfront with people. Decide to be open. Decide right now that you can walk into conflict and keep your cool, stay reasonable, that people don’t need to agree or like what you think, and that you can use your best people skills to work through things.
- Remember that people don’t think like you… they don’t like what you like… and that they can’t read your mind. If there is something you want, speak up. Do it right then. Short and to the point. Say it confidently, but allow for other opinions. If you have to provide some logic or rationale for what you said, do it, but don’t take hours, make it short and simple my friend.
- The next one is what I like to call the power of “I”. For example… instead of saying “you’re wrong” say instead “I disagree” or if you really want to sound elegant and awesome, say “I respectfully disagree”. Your conversation skills are sometimes the difference between having awesome relationships that make your life incredible or deplorable. “I” statements make it easy for you to be assertive without coming across as aggressive. So starting today, make it a habit to say things like “I think” or “I feel” and stay away from using aggressive language or phrases like “You never” or “You always” or “You need to do this.” Stuff like this triggers other people and in the end these are conversation killers. “I” statements allow you to be confident and assertive without canceling and eliminating other people. You can use phrases like “I don’t like it when you treat me like this,” or “I don’t want to do that right now, I would rather do this instead” or “When you do this, I feel really hurt (or angry or sad)” or “I don’t think this is good for me, I’m sorry.”
- Work on your tone and body language. My friends, like I’ve told you already. Tone trumps words. Soften your words. Soften your posture. Imagine standing in front of someone with boxing gloves up, ready to battle, ready to defend yourself, ready for war… lower those gloves, put your hands behind your back, soften your expression, ask questions and listen… Promote peace, promote understanding, promote coolness, and let the very best of you sweat right out of your skin. It’s not time for war, it’s time to understand, and for you to present information. You can be persuasive and passionate, but if you want to move forward, drop the gloves, put the phone down for a sec, and speak words with a calm body and mind.
- And last, start small. Remember this quote my friend “line upon line, here a little, there a little, small by small, slow by slow” that is the way of progress. Start with some social situations where you feel you can practice saying “no”, or expressing your opinion. When possible—especially in situations that are challenging—practice a little ahead of time. Work on what you would say, and how you would say it.
Well my friend there you go. The world is before you, ready for the taking. Don’t neglect these skills, remember the goal is to make you a relationship master instead of a relationship disaster, and your ability to approach and deal with conflict in an attractive, peaceful, and reasonable way, may be the most challenging and critical skill you develop. I hope these were useful, now go and seize the day my friend… Wake up, live life a little more deliberately and not by accident. Quit waiting for the goodness to come to you, and instead go and create it, invite it, promote it, and trust that that process will bless you, your life, and the lives of others around you. Go and do my friend, and I’ll see you soon!
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Through Iuri’s extensive 20-year career as a Licensed Therapist, he has helped countless individuals and gained valuable insights into
the human psyche. As a published author of two books, Mind Over Grey Matter and Know Thy Selfie, Iuri has established himself as an authority in his field. He has received numerous awards and accolades for his outstanding work, and his passion for helping people is evident in everything he does. Iuri has expressed his admiration for people and their capacity for personal growth and transformation. He believes that positive change starts with improving our own psychology, and this is the guiding principle behind Copilot. Their mission is to inspire deep, lasting change in individuals by offering the best positive psychology service in the country. To learn more about Copilot and their approach to empowering individuals to live better lives, click here.
